Why Forgiveness Feels So Hard

The topic of forgiveness comes up a lot in my practice.

Not in a clean, resolved, “I’ve made peace with it” kind of way—but in the middle of anger, distance, confusion, and conversations that keep circling the same point.

So I wanted to slow it down and actually look at it here.

To help understand this concept in a more grounded, practical way, I often turn to Dr. Fred Luskin and his book Forgive for Good.

Not because it simplifies forgiveness—but because it makes it usable.

Not as a virtue. Not as something you’re supposed to do.

But as something that either keeps you stuck… or helps you move.

Where the pain actually comes from

When someone hurts us, the pain we feel isn’t just about what happened.

It’s about what didn’t happen.

An unmet need. An expectation that was not fulfilled.

A hope that had nowhere to land.

That’s where a grievance begins.

A grievance forms when:

• we take the offense personally

• we keep blaming the other person for how we feel now

• we feel stuck, angry, or powerless

• and a hope quietly turns into something that should have happened 

That last part is what keeps it alive.

Because now you’re not just hurt—you’re in an ongoing argument with reality.

Luskin calls these unenforceable rules.

And once you’re there, the story doesn’t just sit quietly.

It loops.

The part that keeps it alive

Most people think they’re holding onto the past.

But what’s actually happening is much more active.

You’re maintaining a grievance story:

• replaying what happened

• reinforcing what it meant

• keeping the emotional charge alive

And over time, it stops being about the original moment and becomes about what you keep telling yourself now.

Where this gets practical (not philosophical)

This is why the approach works—it doesn’t ask you to be different.

It asks you to do something different with the experience.

Not deny it. Not minimize it.

But stop organizing your inner world around it.

The question that shifts everything

Instead of staying inside the story, there’s a more useful question:

What were you actually hoping for?

Strip it down.

• I wanted to feel respected

• I wanted consistency

• I wanted to matter

• I wanted to feel safe

That’s your positive intention.

And it’s important because it gives you direction instead of just reaction.

The move most people don’t make

You stop trying to get that need met from the same place it was denied.

Not in a dramatic, “I’m done” way.

In a grounded, honest way:

This mattered. I didn’t get it here. Now what?

That’s where things start to shift.

A structure that actually helps in the moment

The HEAL framework keeps this from staying abstract:

• Hope: What did I want?

• Educate: I don’t always get what I want

• Affirm: This still matters to me

• Long-term: I’m going to keep moving toward it anyway

It’s simple, but it interrupts the loop.

When your body gets pulled back in

Because it will.

That spike you feel? That’s not failure—it’s the pattern.

This is where you don’t argue with the thought first. You settle the body.

Slow breathing. Grounding.

Then you come back to intention.

The part people underestimate

You don’t just “let go” of a grievance.

You shift your attention.

Because wherever your attention goes, your body follows.

If you stay on the grievance, your system stays activated.

If you intentionally redirect—even briefly—to something else(gratitude, beauty, connection), you create space.

Relief.

Not avoidance.

It’s about creating enough space so you can come back to the pain with less intensity.

And from there, something actually becomes possible:

• you can see the situation from a different angle

• you can notice where you’re still locked into how it should have gone

• you can start separating the expectation from what actually happened

And maybe most importantly—

you can begin to see where that original desire(the thing underneath the hurt)

might still be possible somewhere else, with someone else, or in a different way than you first imagined.

What this looks like in real life

It’s not a breakthrough moment.

It’s:

• telling the story less

• feeling it with less intensity

• catching yourself earlier

• not needing the same emotional payoff from replaying it

It’s subtle.

But it’s real.

The bottom line

Forgiveness isn’t about letting someone off the hook.

It’s about noticing how long you’ve been carrying something that keeps asking for your attention—

and deciding, slowly and deliberately, to put your attention somewhere else.