“It’s Complicated”: The Beauty and Baggage of Mother-Daughter Relationships

There’s a reason entire TV shows, memoirs, and wine-fueled brunch conversations revolve around mother-daughter relationships. From the moment we’re born (and someone inevitably says, “She looks just like her mother!”), we’re entangled in one of the most formative — and complicated — bonds of our lives.

On a good day, the mother-daughter relationship can feel like a built-in best friend, therapist, fashion consultant, and personal cheerleader all rolled into one. On a bad day? It's like trying to defuse a bomb… blindfolded… with your mother yelling “Are you really going to do it like that?” from across the room.

The Bond: Love, Laughter, and the Occasional Passive-Aggressive Text

Psychological research underscores how central the mother-daughter bond is to identity development, emotional regulation, and interpersonal relationships. According to a study published in The Journal of Family Psychology (Miller et al., 2015), the mother-daughter relationship often ranks as the strongest intergenerational tie, particularly in adult women. The emotional intimacy, history, and frequency of contact can be unparalleled.

This bond can be a deep well of resilience, empathy, and belonging. Many women report turning to their mothers first during times of crisis or celebration. Who else remembers your kindergarten graduation outfit and your childhood imaginary friend’s astrological sign?

But this closeness? It’s also exactly what makes it so tricky.

The Challenges: Guilt, Ghosts, and Generational Mismatches

Let’s be honest — not every mother-daughter relationship resembles a Hallmark card. Sometimes it's more like a scene from a Greek tragedy... featuring Tupperware fights and unhealed childhood wounds.

Many adult daughters carry emotional bruises from critical, distant, or overbearing mothers. Some mothers, in turn, feel hurt by daughters who seem ungrateful or distant. When there’s unresolved pain, the relationship can become a cycle of reactivity. Picture it: you go home for Thanksgiving and suddenly you’re 14 again, storming off because she criticized your mashed potatoes and your life choices.

Research has shown that unresolved conflict in early mother-daughter relationships is linked to adult depression, self-esteem issues, and difficulties in romantic partnerships (Cohen et al., Attachment & Human Development, 2008). In other words, if your relationship with your mother has ever made you want to scream into a decorative pillow, you’re not alone — and your therapist already knows.

When the Relationship Was Never “Good”

Some women grow up without safety or warmth from their mothers, and that leaves a unique kind of grief — one that’s hard to name. If mom was emotionally unavailable, critical, or even abusive, it can feel confusing to mourn a connection you never truly had. Society's messaging doesn’t help either. (“But she's your mother! You only get one!”) That pressure can intensify guilt and self-doubt when setting boundaries is actually the healthiest move.

Unhealed mother-daughter wounds can show up later as difficulty trusting other women, internalized shame, or the dreaded “inner critic” — which, if you listen closely, sounds suspiciously like your mom on speakerphone.

The Beauty of Healing — Yes, Even Now

Here’s the good news: this relationship can be a source of healing, even if it’s rocky, ruptured, or requires metaphorical (or actual) noise-canceling headphones.

Therapy — whether for the daughter, the mother, or both — can help untangle the generational spaghetti of unmet needs, unspoken grief, and mismatched expectations. It can help daughters separate who they are from who they were taught to be, and it can help mothers grieve the myth of the perfect relationship and embrace authentic connection.

Whether it's individual work to reclaim your voice, or joint sessions to navigate difficult conversations, therapy offers a space where both laughter and tears are welcome (and yes, snacks too if your therapist is cool).

Love, with Boundaries

The mother-daughter relationship is a masterpiece in progress — beautiful, flawed, layered, and often painted with a mix of love, loss, and hope. Sometimes it needs space. Sometimes it needs revisiting. Sometimes, it just needs a neutral third party to say, “Let’s unpack that passive-aggressive casserole incident.”

And remember: healing doesn’t always look like a Hallmark ending. Sometimes it’s a boundary held, a cycle broken, or a silent car ride that doesn’t end in yelling. Sometimes it’s simply saying, “This is hard — but I’m working on it.”

And that? That’s powerful.

References

Miller, A. J., Crouter, A. C., & McHale, S. M. (2015). Parent–child closeness and adolescent adjustment: Exploring family relationships and development. Journal of Family Psychology.

• Cohen, E., Slade, A., Shorey, H., et al. (2008). Maternal attachment and adolescent adjustment: The role of emotion regulation. Attachment & Human Development.